SUICIDE SURVIVAL AND MY THOUGHTS

SUICIDE SURVIVAL AND MY THOUGHTS

Suicide Survival and my thoughts about this term, change a lot!

I take some offence to the term “suicide survivor.” I did not survive suicide. I have never attempted suicide, so how could I be a survivor? I am only ONE of many people left in pain, because of the suicide of my husband. Are we all survivors?

Over the years, I have had more than one person say to me “you have been to hell and back.” That took me a while to process too. Now I agree … I have, it is true. It is also true for my daughter, my family, Michael’s family and everyone who has lost in this way. For me, it is also true, that I revisit hell on a regular basis, despite my best efforts to stop.

MY BELIEF

My belief is that each person has the right to do what they will with their life, as long as they are not hurting anyone else in the process. However, one cannot choose suicide, WITHOUT HURTING others. Those left behind deal with the pain of the loss, and having to confront the truth of the horrible pain that must have been going on in their loved ones’ mind. The huge pain that lead them to come to the conclusion that life was not worth living.

I have known at least five people, in my lifetime, who have chosen this path. A couple were quite young, which seems to make it harder for me. Perhaps, it is the parent’s pain that makes suicide at a young age seem worse.

Recent PTSD treatment helped me with one BIG dilemma I have had since Michael made this life-ending, life-changing choice. The therapy was called Cognitive Processing and its goal is to help you reprocess your thoughts (perspective). If a person is so tortured in their mind that they cannot find peace, how does one regard this torture? If someone is suffering from illnesses, such as depression or drug addiction, how would one feel for them? ONE WOULD FEEL COMPASSION! I did not have compassion for Michael, for many years after his death.

COMPASSION

I feel compassion for those suffering from mental illness, those who die and for those who chose to live and fight to get well. Suicide survival and my thoughts understand now that addiction is an illness and that depression is often chronic. I often wonder, if there really is a choice at that moment in time? Do those who succeed in committing suicide, really have a choice AT THAT TIME?

I am now able to realise compassion is what I need to work on to give myself PEACE, as someone left behind. Compassion both for Michael and for MYSELF.

I return to this post to be reminded of this compassion, as I often lose it and return to the ANGER and the HURT. I now find this very selfish. Michael’s suicide is not about me, it is about him!

I do not feel like a survivor, but yes, I am still here! I fight the fight, I seek help, I go through the motions, I have good days and not so good days, but I do survive!

Despite my contempt for this phrase, if you Google “Suicide Survival,” there are many resources online, as well as in the real world for those who survive. A couple are the allianceofhope.org and thelifelinecanada.ca. Also, now, within the pages of this blog, there are many ways you can help yourself, when not having good days. I Hope You Dance and Just Breathe Now are two of them.

APRIL 30, 2021

Suicide survival and my thoughts are here again today. Suicide. Michael. Why? Self full-fulling prophecies and fate! Not really sure what brings me here, but it might be the time of year. As we approach a big month of celebration for my wee family (all of their birthdays are from May 05 to June 05), we also approach Father’s Day, and the anniversary of both my Dad and Michael’s deaths. The tenseness comes and it goes. I used to try to force it away, but not any more. Now I roll with the tide of grief and thoughts, because LIFE IS NOT AN EVEN PLAYING FIELD. I used to tell Michael this all the time. I wish he had been more able to accept it.

I miss him!

I know many of you have shared this experience. Please share your thoughts or reach out if in need. Email me at lmfvella@livefatandfit.com.

LIVEFATANDFIT AND BE WELL!

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